I know this isn't a post about 4wding, camping or related items but I just needed to vent somewhere I suppose.
I got thinking about things today about several things and they both seem to be related to a common denominator.
One thing was respect.
My last job I was lucky to have been assistant manager, won several in house company awards, trained quiet a few people along in the company and as far as I was concerned i had respect both in store and throughout the company. Now I know where I am now I shouldn't complain, but when you get idiots that treat you with no respect due to they think that they are better than you it just totally sucks. I honestly treat my current job as just ..... A job, no more and no less. It isn't the way that I was bought up and I hate thinking like this but it feels like I have to prove my self everyday over and over day in and day out. You do your best and for whatever reasons you are just another person who is just a piece of nothing there. Yep I do miss my old job, and before anyone asks, yes I have tried some six times with formal applications to get back in but to no avail, and no real reason why.
After my breakup last year from my beautiful partner Lesley, I went down hill because for 1, I defiantly didn't want to separate, and 2 I still don't understand why... I know I lost my confidence in life, my job and things in general..... Not good. Yep I am not afraid to say that I still miss her and what we had, she was my best friend, lover and soul mate.
Each morning as I drive past her work I always smile and say morning, hope all is well, as I have the same drive to my work each day.Not a day goes by that I don't think about what she may be up to, I mean I know her daily routine, I can still remember the color of the house walls, carpet and layout. Don't get me wrong this isn't anything about stalking, harassment or intimidation, just how I remember things. To hold her and to protect her again would be my dream. I have been told several reasons why she broke it off and they maybe true, and maybe not.... I suppose I will never know.
You know love is a wonderful and strange thing, it certainly does weird things to us
humans, both good and bad. It is hard to understand sometimes, yet at its best it is
the greatest feeling in the world.
All this is coming about from visiting a dentist today in which she works in the same building. There is always a chance that I might of seen her as I walked the corridor to my appointment, if she was out and about out of her office. Not sure what my reaction would of been if I saw here eye to eye, probably just walk straight past with my head held high, and maybe a tear forming in my eye. I have never loved a girl as much as I loved her... I know I didn't tell her enough.... My only regret. But the thing that hurt me the most was the night she rang me up at near 2 am in the morning some weeks after she called it off ( after I had been trying so hard to contact her ) and she said that my time was a fairy tail with her !!!... What the hell did that mean ? ..did it mean that she was taking me for a ride, or I was just the next sucker ???,..... I def hope not. Very confusing..... She is def a lost soul..... And has commitment issues I was told by a friend.Now after the dentist I wandered back out to my car and just in front of me I know it was her walking to her car with a friend, I knew by the way she walked and her beautiful hair..... Those things you always remember. I would love to send her some flowers ( especially pink roses ) but just can't. Anyone want some flowers ??... lol
It occurred to me that maybe she got her friend to walk her to her car with her because she was scared of me ?... Not sure why, not sure what she has told her friends about me. I mean she was the one that broke it off, the only thing I can say with some negativity about her is that I am disappointed in her actions at the time, I mean ringing up someone at work and telling them that it is over is a bit low, but I dealt with it. I look at our photos and just smile, I see how young the kids looked when we first started dating, and look at them now through different social media site, and bot they all have grown up.
Ever since I got home from the dentist, to a empty house, with no one for a hug after the painkillers wore off ( we all know the low feeling you go into ), or even to talk to after the dentist, it just got me reflecting my precious time with Lel.
I see couples that have been together for half their life and I feel so frustrated, because that's the relationship that I want. To love someone for what they are, put them onto a pedestal, surprise them with little something's everyday, to tell them that I love you everyday.... Just someone. I am not desperate, I am probably just a bit lonely as my daughter is discovering sleepovers, some great friends and just growing up in her world now.
I defiantly am comfy with who I am, I am happy enough with my life ( even though the above work whinge may sound different ), just have something missing. Everyone says that things happen for a reason, but far out it can suck sometimes.
All I want to do is to make a difference to and with someone.
I have love to give.........